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CD-2 [CD-1 CD-3]
901
Sorry about
the trailer, Jack.
902
Muskrat.
903
It's okay, Bernard.
904
There's no way we're not
telling him this weekend.
905
I know.
That's what I was saying.
906
So, what do you wanna do?
907
I'm not sure. I never
thought this'd be an issue.
908
I thought we'd be married
before we got pregnant.
909
Hey.
What?
910
Why don't we move
the wedding up to next month?
911
What?
912
Then we'll tell your dad
913
you got pregnant
on the honeymoon.
914
Oh, my God, yeah,
that could work.
915
Yeah. It's perfect, right? Yeah.
916
Okay. Good.
Just follow my lead.
917
Okay.
Okay.
918
Without further ado,
my famous Focker Fondue.
919
Come on, dig in. Come on.
Get it while it's hot.
920
That is so impressive, Bernie.
Did you do that yourself?
921
Oh, sure.
Oh! I love to cook.
922
I can't even fry an egg.
923
True.
924
I burn cornflakes.
925
I'm amazed
he finds the time to cook
926
with such a high-powered
legal career.
927
High-powered?
928
I wouldn't exactly call--
Uh-oh!
929
You kicked me.
Why did you kick me?
930
I kick-- kicked you
because you're being modest
931
and you should tell people that
you are a good lawyer, which he is,
932
a- a-and he has fought
933
some really big,
important legal battles.
934
Truth is, Jack, when Gay was
born, I stopped practicing
935
and became
a stay-at-home dad.
936
Oh, believe me,
937
he won a trial or two
in his day.
938
Oh!
Extremely good trial lawyer.
939
A regular Clarence Darrow.
940
So Roz was
the primary breadwinner
941
and you didn't have a job?
942
Dad.
943
Honey, come on, you could say
he had the hardest job.
944
Oh, he's-- he's just kidding.
945
Of course, I'm... Yes.
946
Why don't we jump into
the topic of the hour, hmm,
947
the big
Focker-Byrnes wedding.
948
Yes. Good.
949
I know we've been talking
about a-- a fall wedding...
950
Is that Isabel?
951
Oh, yeah. Our former
housekeeper, Isabel.
952
You know, she has her own catering
business now, isn't that great?
953
And-- and I asked her to come and help
Bernie in the kitchen this weekend.
954
You didn't tell me
she was here.
955
Gay had a monster crush on
her when he was a teenager.
956
Really?
957
I didn't have
any monster crush.
958
You didn't tell me
about that.
959
Yeah. Because it's not true.
960
Oh, not true? Then I didn't catch
you doing baziga to her passport photo
961
when you were, what, 13?
962
Honey, stop.
963
I walk in the door...
964
Where is he?
965
Oh, there's my baby!
966
Hey!
967
Good to see you.
968
Mmm. Good to see you.
969
I-- I haven't
seen you in years.
970
I know.
971
Mmm.
Yes, you...
972
Wow! Yeah. Look at you.
You look...
973
I know.
974
Yeah. You look...
975
I had a boob job.
Wow.
976
Yeah. Yeah.
977
Hey! This is, uh,
Dina and Jack Byrnes.
978
Mucho gusto.
979
Hi, Isabel.
980
Mucho gusto.
981
And this is Pam Byrnes,
my fianc?e.
982
Encantada.
983
Nice to meet you, too.
984
Not yet married,
and already a little one?
985
And he is
a handsome little Focker.
986
See?
987
Oh, no. He's not a Focker.
988
Yeah, no.
He's not mine.
989
And still you stayed
to raise her child?
990
Good for you.
991
No, he's Pam's nephew.
992
He has no connection
to Greg whatsoever.
993
I love you, too.
994
Mama! Mama!
Mama!
995
Little Jack, no.
996
Those aren't for you.
997
Mom.
998
I think I'll take
him inside.
999
Good idea.
1000
You're a very
lucky woman, Pam.
1001
He's very special,
this one.
1002
I think so, too.
1003
Oh, I could tell you
some stories about him.
1004
Really?
1005
Oh, she's just
being silly.
1006
Nice to meet you all.
1007
Nice to meet you.
1008
So sweet. Oh! So sweet.
1009
Hey, do you guys
want some more, uh, wine?
1010
Mas vino por la mama, si.
1011
Hey.
1012
Hey, you did good, Greg.
1013
She's very pretty,
this one, huh?
1014
Yeah, she's, uh,
she's really great.
1015
Really great.
1016
Can you believe
it's been 15 years?
1017
So many wonderful memories
from those days.
1018
Yes. Yes, lot of wonderful,
1019
kind of private memories.
1020
So, you never told
your fianc?e about us, huh?
1021
Um, no, I don't think I did.
1022
I don't, I think, I don't
think it ever came up on my end.
1023
Not that I didn't want her to
know. It just, never really...
1024
Yeah, and not that, I-- I mean,
not that it wasn't great.
1025
It was really, you know,
for me it was like...
1026
And you were so
1027
helpful and-- and--
1028
Don't you worry, baby.
1029
Your secret's safe with me.
1030
Okay.
1031
There's no secrets.
But, good, yeah,
1032
maybe if we keep it quiet
this weekend and then...
1033
Because, yeah, I don't want
Pam to feel uncomfortable.
1034
And then later, when it's the
proper, you know, setting, I can...
1035
Okay, yeah, okay, good.
And, uh...
1036
Good.
1037
Oh, and fondue, fondue
is going-- is goin' over.
1038
Gay, you're just in time
to hear me tell the gang
1039
how you lost
your virginity to Isabel.
1040
He was 19. A late bloomer.
1041
You s-slept with Isabel?
1042
We were relieved.
1043
Why-- why would you, why--
why would you bring that up?
1044
What's the problem?
1045
It was, what, 15 years ago.
1046
Honey, your father thought
1047
that it'd be fun
to share stories
1048
about our first time.
1049
Really? That sounds like fun.
That's...
1050
That's fine.
1051
Come on, tell us how you
popped your cherry. Come on.
1052
I really don't feel
comfortable
1053
discussing that
with you, Bernard.
1054
You know what? I suggest that we get
back to talking about the wedding.
1055
Thank you, Bernie.
1056
What?
1057
Mom, didn't you just take
Little Jack back to the room?
1058
I'm monitoring him
from a high-powered
1059
multidirectional microphone
planted in his crib.
1060
Oh, baby monitors.
Hidden cameras.
1061
Whatever happened to a
little thing called privacy?
1062
Bernie, surveillance
technology has helped protect
1063
a lot of the freedoms
1064
that we as Americans
take advantage of today.
1065
He's right.
It has been good.
1066
S- son, that is bullcrap
in a chef's salad.
1067
Jack, tell me one smart thing
the CLIA has done
1068
and I'll give you
the deed to her house.
1069
The CLIA?
1070
The Central Lack
of Intelligence Agency.
1071
I think that baby might need
a couple of pulls
1072
on that knocker
of yours, Jack.
1073
No, it's okay.
1074
We're Ferberizing him.
1075
You're what?
The Ferber method.
1076
You let him cry it out. This way
he doesn't depend on coddling.
1077
On the other hand,
the Continuum Concept
1078
shows that a baby benefits
1079
more from constant
physical contact.
1080
Oh.
1081
We use the Ferber Method.
1082
We used the Focker Method.
1083
We hugged and kissed
that little prince
1084
like there was no tomorrow.
1085
We Fockerized him.
1086
That's right.
1087
Greggy practically slept
in our bed till he was 10.
1088
Oh, my God!
1089
Oh, I don't think
it was quite that long.
1090
Yes, it was.
1091
No, it wasn't 10.
1092
Nine-and-a-half, at least.
1093
Mom, I don't think so.
1094
I didn't sleep
in their bed all that time.
1095
Bernie, get the photo album.
1096
I'm one step ahead of you.
1097
No, no, no,
we're eating dinner, come on.
1098
These are the curls
1099
from his first trip
to the barbershop.
1100
Nobody wants to see this.
1101
Oh, and you kept
all of his baby teeth.
1102
Look at his
darling little teeth,
1103
isn't that sweet?
1104
Uh-oh, somebody looks
very grumpy there.
1105
Oh, that's Gay with the mohel.
1106
The mohel?
No.
1107
He's the man who snips
the baby's little winkydink.
1108
See, that's Greg getting
circumcised, right here.
1109
We had the ceremony
at my parents' house
1110
but there was a cold snap
and... Tell him.
1111
The heater conked out.
1112
Mom.
1113
No matter how hard he tried,
the mohel couldn't coax
1114
Greg's tiny little turtle
from its shell.
1115
You know what? Let's not talk
about the tiny turtle, okay?
1116
Let's... Th-this is dinner.
1117
Honey, half the people
at this table have penises.
1118
Mom, control yourself.
1119
Roz, he's right.
You're embarrassing him.
1120
Okay, I'm sorry.
1121
Make a long story short, Jack,
he wound up with a semicirc.
1122
What's a semicirc?
1123
I can't wait to hear this.
1124
What? It's a cross between
an ant eater and--
1125
A German Army helmet.
1126
But, honey... Oh!
1127
You wanted to talk
about the wedding, right?
1128
Don't tell me you kept
his umbilical cord.
1129
Of course not,
that's Greg's foreskin.
1130
All right, you know what? That's it.
That's-- that's enough humiliation.
1131
Honey, stop.
We're having fun.
1132
No, I'm not having fun.
1133
Why deny us our memories?
1134
Because we're done!
1135
Anyone in the mood
for Chinese?
1136
You told me
your first time
1137
was with the Danish transfer
student in high school.
1138
Yeah, well, you weren't
exactly forthcoming
1139
about your engagement
with Kevin.
1140
Yeah, well,
he wasn't my babysitter.
1141
Okay, I should have
told you, all right.
1142
Can we just let
it go, please?
1143
We both got enough stuff
to deal with this weekend.
1144
Oh, hi, Jack.
1145
Hello, Greg.
1146
Funny dinner, huh?
1147
How do you mean?
1148
I know that you are studying my
family like the frozen caveman.
1149
So, I just, I don't want
you to be worried, okay?
1150
I mean, they're
a little quirky,
1151
but they-they're
well-intentioned
1152
and-- and I think
they're just nervous and...
1153
Greg, I am sure tomorrow
will be a better day.
1154
I'm sorry, ma'am.
1155
I thought you
ordered room service.
1156
Are you sure
you don't want
1157
any whipped cream
with your sundae?
1158
Bern, stop it!
1159
Who's Bern?
I'm Chad, the bellhop.
1160
Oh, no, come on,
we did that last week.
1161
Can't you be
Sam the carpet-cleaning man?
1162
It's illogical. Why would a
carpet cleaner have whipped cream?
1163
Well, improvise, honey.
1164
Good evening, miss.
1165
I'm here to clean
your carpet.
1166
Do you mind if I put some
foam down on your rug?
1167
I don't mind at all.
1168
Good night, Greg.
1169
Okay, sleep well, Jack.
1170
How long-- how long
have you worked in this hotel?
1171
It's time to put some snow
on your mountains.
1172
Come on, I'm gonna get
some whipped cream
1173
on those Tetons.
1174
Guys!
1175
Come back in the
morning, tootsie roll.
1176
Gay, you see the
cowboy hat on the door?
1177
Cowboy hat is off the door!
1178
No cowboy hat this weekend!
1179
I'm coming in!
1180
Just stop doing
what you're doing!
1181
Oh!
1182
Come on, man, you know
1183
what that cowboy hat
on the door means.
1184
Will you please
help me out here?
1185
What?
We're just being ourselves.
1186
Mom, mom, please...
1187
I think he's saying
not to be ourselves.
1188
Yes, be yourselves
1189
but be yourself in a way
1190
that's a little less than
being your full selves, okay.
1191
I don't understand this.
1192
I mean, why you're so
afraid of this Jack?
1193
You've been kissing his ass
ever since you got here.
1194
Mom, I'm not afraid
of him, okay.
1195
It's not true.
It is true.
1196
I can't believe you
went duck-hunting with him.
1197
Our people
don't shoot ducks.
1198
Just make Jack feel a little
more comfortable here, okay?
1199
So you don't want us
to be ourselves?
1200
No, I just don't want you
to break his RV, Dad,
1201
and-- and-- and reveal
that I had sex with Isabel
1202
and play weird sex games that
everybody can hear in the house.
1203
Mom... Mom, please.
1204
If you ask me,
it wouldn't be so bad
1205
if your future in-laws
heard this.
1206
Do me a favour.
1207
Just don't therapize the Byrneses
this weekend at all, okay?
1208
All I'm saying is,
1209
a few minutes
of concentrated work
1210
with him and Dina,
1211
she could get him
to blow like Krakatoa.
1212
Right, okay, yeah,
you know what?
1213
One day, just give me
one day, okay,
1214
without any complications.
1215
We get through it,
everybody goes off,
1216
we go on with our lives.
Can we do that?
1217
All right.
You got it, dude.
1218
Thank you, okay.
1219
Hon, put the hat
back on the door, okay?
1220
No mom.
No cowboy hat this weekend.
1221
Okay, but
tonight doesn't count.
1222
All aboard.
1223
Morning, partner.
1224
Morning.
1225
Sleep okay?
1226
I slept all right,
thank you.
1227
It's nice, all of us
being here together,
1228
don't you think?
1229
Bernard, do you mind
if I have some privacy?
1230
Almost done.
1231
Bernie,
this fritatta is wonderful.
1232
What's in it?
1233
Well, a lot of the taste comes
from this old skillet.
1234
I've never washed it.
1235
Hey, guys,
1236
can I have everybody's
attention, please?
1237
Gay, be back in a second.
1238
Okay, Dad. All right.
1239
Uh, so...
1240
Mom, I know we've been--
we've been talking about
1241
having the, uh,
wedding in October,
1242
but Pam and I have been
doing a little thinkin'
1243
and playing around
with some ideas
1244
and, uh, we're thinking
of moving it up to June.
1245
Nice.
1246
This June?
1247
Yeah.
Yeah.
1248
That's-- that's in a month.
1249
I always wanted
a spring wedding, you know.
1250
Well, that's great, so we can
announce it at the party tonight.
1251
Good idea.
1252
Wait, what party?
1253
Jack!
1254
Let's play football!
1255
Oh, your father
and I are throwing
1256
a little
engagement soiree
1257
for you two lovebirds.
1258
Look at that.
1259
That's so sweet. Thank you, guys.
1260
I thought we were just having
a nice quiet dinner.
1261
It was supposed
to be a surprise.
1262
The phone keeps ringing,
the list keeps growing.
1263
Yeah, now,
it's up to 50 Fockers.
1264
When were you going to tell us
about this?
1265
50 Fockers.
What could be better?
1266
Dad, what are you doing?
We never play football.
1267
I'm trying to cement
relationships here.
1268
Jack said
he was into footy ball.
1269
Let's show EI Stiffo
how we play the game.
1270
Footy ball?
1271
Come on, come on,
let's play!
1272
I'm feeling a little tired.
1273
I think I'll sit it out
with Little Jack, okay?
1274
Honey, you want me to
keep you company?
1275
No, Dina, come on,
1276
you and I will take on
Jack and Roz.
1277
Come on, Jack, it'll be fun,
we'll swap wives.
1278
Don't worry, you'll get her
back after the game.
1279
Fine, we'll play
three on two.
1280
But someone needs to be
official quarterback.
1281
Gay goes both ways.
1282
I'll bet he does.
1283
One, two. Hut.
1284
Come on.
1285
I'll run a down-and-in,
draw in the defence,
1286
then you'll hit Roz
here in the end zone for a TD.
1287
What do you mean?
He hits me where with a what?
1288
I'll throw you the ball,
you try to catch it, okay.
1289
You want me to catch?
Yeah.
1290
On two. Ready?
1291
Yes.
1292
Hut one, hut two, hike!
1293
Come on, this way!
1294
That way, that way,
that way.
1295
You remember
that time in the park?
1296
You remember that time
in the park?
1297
Guys, come on, come on,
cut it out.
1298
I'm so proud of you.
1299
I caught the ball.
1300
Mom, come on.
1301
I caught the ball!
1302
Come on, huddle up.
1303
No, I'm bored. Here!
1304
Dina, come on, let's go.
1305
You want a spritzer?
1306
What? Oh, a spritzer.
1307
That sounds yummy.
1308
All right, come on. Dad,
you got to focus, all right?
1309
He's beating you
down the field every time.
1310
You want me to
be macho-wacho?
1311
No. What? Have I ever said the
words macho-wacho to you in my life?
1312
I got it.
What?
1313
I won't disappoint you.
1314
Okay, let's try again,
I'm gonna run a stop and go.
1315
Fake the short pass,
then hit me here
1316
in the end zone
with a Hail Mary.
1317
Okay, got that.
1318
Yeah, we keep
running that play.
1319
You want to mix
it up a little?
1320
No, I don't. I've exposed
Bernie's weakness
1321
and I want to take advantage
of it.
1322
Exposed his weakness.
Okay, okay. On four?
1323
Four.
1324
Just you and me, Jack.
Mano a mano.
1325
You think you can take me,
Flowerman?
1326
I'm pretty sure I can,
Mr. Mom.
1327
You're going down,
Bernsie-boy.
1328
I'm going to
rearrange your bouquet.
1329
Sell the pump fake, Greg,
1330
'cause that
Focker's gonna bite.
1331
Hut one, hut two,
hut three, hut four. Hike!
1332
Oh, my God!
Are you all right?
1333
Shit!
1334
Hey, Jack, you okay?
1335
I'm fine, Greg, thank you.
1336
I see that kind of injury
all the time at the hospital.
1337
I wish you'd let me
give you a quick exam.
1338
No, I'm, I'm fine.
1339
I told you I'll have my doctor
look at it when I get home.
1340
Okay.
1341
You know, it's amazing how your father
anticipated the pump fake like that.
1342
It's almost like
he knew it was coming.
1343
Hmm.
1344
Well, he definitely takes
competition seriously.
1345
How a man handles himself
on the football field
1346
says a lot
about his character.
1347
Know what I mean?
1348
Okay.
1349
Hey.
Hey.
1350
We got him, didn't we,
dude, huh?
1351
Was he impressed?
1352
No, Dad, he wasn't.
That was a really hard shot.
1353
You could've hurt him.
1354
I just wanted it
to be a fun game
1355
but you wanted to win,
1356
so, you know,
you got me all steamed up.
1357
No, I asked you to play
a little defence,
1358
I didn't ask you to turn it
into a blood sport.
1359
I play too easy.
I play too hard.
1360
What are you really
asking me to do, Gaylord?
1361
I'm not asking
anything of you, Dad.
1362
Just-- just go down there
and apologize to him, okay?
1363
He thinks it
was a cheap shot.
1364
Sure. Okay.
Whatever you say.
1365
Okay.
1366
I can't win with this kid.
1367
- Honey--
- I can't.
1368
It's okay.
1369
Hi, baby.
Hey.
1370
So, how far along is Pam?
Hmm?
1371
What?
1372
Come on, honey, I knew it
the minute I saw her.
1373
Her boobs are bigger.
She's hormonal.
1374
No wine at dinner,
no football.
1375
She just found out yesterday.
1376
Honey.
1377
My bubeleh's
going to have a baby!
1378
My bubeleh's
going to be a father!
1379
Oh, my God.
1380
Tell me, talk to me,
so this is so exciting.
1381
No.
You didn't tell Dad, did you?
1382
No, not yet.
He's gonna plotz.
1383
No, no, Mom,
you can't tell him.
1384
Why not? Because he can't keep a secret.
1385
You know that.
1386
You think Jack knows?
1387
Are you kidding?
That guy's in such denial,
1388
he still thinks his daughter
is still a virgin.
1389
Yeah, I know,
he's very old-fashioned.
1390
That's why Pam can't tell
him till after the wedding.
1391
That is ridiculous.
Mom, it isn't, believe me.
1392
You don't know him like I do.
Fine.
1393
My lips are sealed.
1394
I am so excited
and thrilled for you.
1395
So happy for you two!
1396
Did you plan this?
1397
Uh, no,
it just sort of happened.
1398
How did it happen?
1399
How?
1400
It just happened. You know--
you know how it happens.
1401
I mean, I'm not going
into the details.
1402
Honey, I love details.
1403
- Sorry.
- All right. Okay.
1404
Well, you know, honey,
1405
many unplanned
pregnancies happen
1406
because the man
is such a sexual dynamo
1407
and the woman
craves his sperm
1408
on an unconscious
but very powerful level.
1409
Hmm-mmm. Mom,
I am truly not comfortable
1410
having this
conversation with you.
1411
No?
No.
1412
I've been saying it
since I was 11.
1413
All right.
1414
Love you.
Love you, too.
1415
Uh, Jack!
1416
What say you and me
go into town?
1417
I got a guy
who can fix your RV.
1418
I'm in far too much
physical agony, Bernie.
1419
Gee, I'm sorry,
1420
but it'll be good
for you, you know, to,
1421
you know,
to get out and about.
1422
Yeah. Perfect. I can take the
girls shopping in Coconut Grove.
1423
Little Jack is on
1424
a very specific
napping schedule.
1425
I better stay here.
1426
No, go. Greg can watch him.
1427
Yeah, sure.
1428
He has wonderful
parental instincts.
1429
Dad, Greg deals with little
kids in the ER all the time.
1430
It's true. They don't call me
Barry Poppins for nothing.
1431
That's so cute.
1432
Why would someone call you
Barry Poppins?
1433
They wouldn't.
1434
Now, remember, Greg,
we're Ferberizing him.
1435
So unless it's an emergency,
1436
under no circumstances
should you pick him up
1437
or coddle him in any way
when he cries.
1438
Hmm-mmm. Okay.
1439
He's learning to self-soothe,
1440
that means no television,
no unapproved toys,
1441
and most of all,
1442
no monkey business
of any kind.
1443
Is that clear?
Mmm-hmm.
1444
No monkey business.
Okay.
1445
Jack.
1446
Shall we get
a move on, pal-o-mino?
1447
I'm ready.
1448
I love this, Roz.
1449
This is a great find.
1450
Oh, good,
and it's loose,
1451
so you can wear it even
if you gain a few pounds.
1452
Isn't that lovely?
1453
Honey, are you all right?
1454
You look a little flushed.
1455
Oh, it's just the heat.
It takes some getting used to.
1456
I'm fine.
I'm going to try this on.
1457
Thank you, Roz.
1458
Now, madame,
1459
let's find something sexy
for the momma to wear.
1460
Look at this little number.
1461
Whoa!
1462
I think this will get
Jack's blood flowing.
1463
Jack would have a coronary.
1464
I thought so.
1465
Oh, Dina, talk to me.
1466
What's really going on
with that man?
1467
He seems very uptight.
1468
Jack's always been
a little wound up.
1469
His job was very stressful.
1470
Being a florist is stressful?
1471
There's more to it
than people think.
1472
Mmm-hmm.
1473
If you don't mind me asking,
how is your sex life?
1474
I can't tell you that.
1475
What's the big deal?
I'm a professional.
1476
Dina, I'm a sex therapist,
1477
specializing in
senior sexuality.
1478
I knew those
weren't yoga mats.
1479
We're not 25 any-anymore.
1480
But you're not dead, either.
1481
Lots of couples our age
1482
lack intimacy
in their marriages.
1483
I didn't say
we weren't intimate.
1484
There are special occasions.
You know, anniversaries and...
1485
Well, on our anniversary.
1486
Ay-ya-yay.
Nicht gut.
1487
I beg your pardon.
1488
Not good.
1489
I think that I can help
you and Jack reconnect.
1490
How?
1491
Well,
1492
it all starts
with a little bit of, uh,
1493
how shall I say,
intimate contact.
1494
Yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
1495
My, that tingles.
1496
Every pleasure in the body
1497
can be stimulated
through the ears.
1498
I'd give it a shot
with Jack tonight.
1499
What's goin' on over here?
1500
Nothing,
just having some girl talk.
1501
Roz.
1502
Okay. Here's the deal, L. J..
1503
I'm going to give you
a few minutes of attention.
1504
But you have to promise
1505
that you don't tell
Grandpa Jack anything, okay?
1506
All right. Good.
1507
Okay, I don't quite know
what that means,
1508
but I'm going to trust you.
1509
All right. Here we go.
1510
Okay. Okay.
It's okay.
1511
A little huggie-wuggie
never hurt anybody.
1512
I know we aren't
supposed to watch TV
1513
but we won't tell
Grandpa Jack, will we?
1514
Oh, look, look, it's Elmo.
1515
Do you like fishes?
1516
You don't like fishes?
1517
No. All right.
1518
Okay.
Okay.
1519
Hey, I got an idea.
1520
Let's see what pre-approved
genius toys Grandpa Jack has
1521
in his big basket of fun. Mmm?
1522
Oh, look, look,
it's a-- it's a-- an abacus.
1523
Abacuses aren't that much fun,
are they?
1524
I don't know
why people think they're fun.
1525
Look at this! Look!
It's-- it's bolts on a plank.
1526
Hmm? Fun bolts.
No, not very fun.
1527
Hey.
1528
A little birdie!
1529
Look, he sings.
1530
Asshole.
1531
No, no, no, you don't want
to say that word.
1532
We don't want to say that.
That's a bad word.
1533
Asshole.
1534
No, no, no.
1535
I thought this
was a repair shop.
1536
Oh, this is better.
1537
That's Isabel's son, Jorge.
1538
15 years old,
he can fix anything.
1539
Hey, Bernie.
1540
Yo! Georgie boy!
1541
So, I think you got a tear
in the bilateral valve.
1542
15, huh?
1543
Genius.
1544
Jorge, what did I tell you?
1545
No more tinkering
1546
until you finish
your science homework.
1547
Oh.
1548
Uh, I was going to finish it
1549
but, uh, Mr. Gerson
is out with, uh, rickets.
1550
He said definitely don't do it
1551
until his rickets
are-- are cured.
1552
And, you know,
I-- I-- I really--
1553
Who knows if he's ever
telling the truth?
1554
Bernie,
1555
I made chimichangas.
You guys want?
1556
Have you ever known me
to turn down a chimi?
1557
Jack, you in the mood, amigo?
1558
No, thanks.
1559
Why are you
looking at me funny?
1560
I-- I-- I said--
1561
Oh, no, no. You just look
like somebody I know.
1562
No, no, no, no.
1563
Tadpole. Tadpole.
Can you say tadpole?
1564
Mad bull.
1565
Asshole.
1566
No, Jack's mole.
1567
'Cause Jack has
a big mole on his face.
1568
Is your father the mechanic?
1569
Oh, I-- I don't know,
I never met him.
1570
Never met your dad, huh?
1571
Oh, that's unfortunate.
1572
But very interesting.
1573
Mind if I take
a picture of you?
1574
You know,
just for fun.
1575
Okay.
1576
Asshole.
1577
Okay.
Just hang on a second there.
1578
Yeah.
Hello.
1579
Hi, It's me. How's it
going with the little one?
1580
Horribly. He's crying
and screaming, and cursing.
1581
That poor kid is
desperate for human contact.
1582
Honey, you need to hold him,
and kiss him,
1583
do whatever it takes.
1584
I've been hugging him
in secret,
1585
feeding him chocolates, too.
1586
All animals have babies--
1587
Say hello to my
little friend!
1588
You know,
he's probably teething.
1589
So put a dab of rum
in his milk.
1590
And it'll ease the pain,
he'll go to sleep.
1591
You want me to
give him a drink?
1592
I'm talking,
less than a thimbleful.
1593
You don't want Jack coming home
1594
to a screaming baby.
1595
Listen to your mother.
Goodbye. I love you.
1596
All right, Mom.
1597
Hey, Little Jack,
I got a surprise for you.
1598
Little Jack?
1599
Mr. Moose is looking for you.
1600
Oh, shit!
Where the hell did he go?
1601
L. J.!
Little Jack!
1602
L. J.! L. J.!
1603
Does that Jorge resemble
anyone you know?
1604
No one I know.
1605
Hmm.
1606
There's something
you don't see every day.
1607
Focker!
Focker!
1608
Okay. I know this looks bad,
but I can explain it.
1609
What the hell happened?
I said no monkey business.
1610
No.
There was no monkey business.
1611
No monkey business?
1612
You're wearing my breast,
Little Jack is drinking,
1613
Moses is sodomizing Jinx,
1614
and you're telling me
there's no monkey business?
1615
What is going on here?
You all right, L. J.?
1616
Hello! We're home!
Hey, guys.
1617
Give me the bottle.
1618
What's happened
to Little Jack?
1619
His hands are stuck
to the bottle of rum.
1620
Thank you, Dad.
You bet they're stuck.
1621
Greg, how did this happen?
1622
And why are you
wearing antlers?
1623
It's very complicated.
1624
It's just a little glue.
He's fine.
1625
He's not fine. If he could use
his hands, he'd tell you himself.
1626
All right. That's all right.
Come on.
1627
Little Jack, honey,
are you okay?
1628
Greg...
1629
Dina. Pam.
1630
Yes, Dad, uh...
I'm coming. Little Jack.
1631
Honey, I said a thimble,
not a bottle.
1632
Oh, Greg.
1633
Hey.
1634
How's the little guy doing?
1635
Everything
is just as good as new.
1636
Yeah.
1637
Dad, come on.
1638
Is he all right? He's asleep.
1639
I don't care if they
did call you Larry Poppins.
1640
You are completely unfit
to handle a child.
1641
It was Barry Poppins.
1642
What kind of sick cocktail
were you gonna make my grandson?
1643
Jack, the baby's teething.
1644
I told Greg to give him
some rum to ease the pain.
1645
It was your idea?
Yes.
1646
What is wrong
with you people?
1647
I used to rub bourbon
on Denny's gums.
1648
Yeah! Look what
happened to him.
1649
Greg, you couldn't follow
a simple set of instructions?
1650
Jack, he was screaming.
1651
So I went in and gave him
a little attention. Okay?
1652
He's learning to self-soothe.
1653
These setbacks are disastrous
for his development.
1654
The child is adorable,
1655
but you're not raising
Little Buddha over here.
1656
Mom.
What are you saying?
1657
I'm saying that
I've seen that kid eat
1658
at least 15 boogers
since he's been here
1659
and I've got news for you,
Jack,
1660
prodigies don't eat
their own boogers.
1661
And I have news for you.
Prodigies don't come in 10th place
1662
every time either.
1663
Okay, Dad. That's my fianc?
1664
I'm sorry.
I've never seen people
1665
celebrate mediocrity
the way you do.
1666
Because we love our son?
We hug our son?
1667
Let's get down to it.
The truth is,
1668
you're so concerned about
that Little Jack, but I think
1669
that it's the
Little Jack in you
1670
who's crying out for a hug.
1671
The Little Jack in me?
1672
Jack, you have issues.
1673
I'm trying to understand
why you run around
1674
with a rubber boob
strapped to your chest.
1675
Were you ever breastfed?
1676
Mom, stop.
Key question.
1677
My guess is no.
1678
Spare me
the drugstore psychology.
1679
Everybody! All right.
Everybody just...
1680
Everybody just stop, okay?
1681
Jack, I am not going
to make any excuses. Yes,
1682
Little Jack wouldn't stop
crying so I gave him some hugs
1683
and I let him watch TV.
1684
I went to answer the phone, I
was gone a second, I came back in,
1685
he let himself out of the
playpen, he put on Scarface,
1686
and he glued his hands
to the rum bottle. Okay?
1687
That's it.
1688
Oh. That's it
1689
Greg just said, ''That's it.''
So I feel much better now.
1690
Daddy, would you mind...
1691
Please, Daddy. He made
an honest mistake. Let it go.
1692
He's fine, Greg.
He's asleep.
1693
He spoke.
1694
Asshole.
1695
What?
1696
Did he say what
I am thinking?
1697
I think he did.
1698
Little Jack,
what did you just say?
1699
Asshole.
1700
His first word?
1701
It just slipped
out of my mouth. I--
1702
He has a mind like a sponge.
1703
That's enough.
1704
I'm calling
a family conference.
1705
Oh, it's a great idea, Jack.
1706
Let's finally get your
problems out on the table.
1707
No, no, I mean with
my own family. Excuse us.
1708
I'd like to talk to
Pam and Dina in private.
1709
Of course, of course,
take your time.
1710
Come on, honey.
1711
I'm not so sure
1712
this wedding is
such a good idea.
1713
To say the least, I don't like
what I'm seeing from these Fockers.
1714
What?
1715
Has Greg ever mentioned
the name Jorge to you? Jor--
1716
I don't know what you're
talking about. No, why?
1717
Because I think
your fianc?may have
1718
a few skeletons in his closet
that he is not telling you about.
1719
And skeletons don't like
living in closets.
1720
Oh, my God, Here we
go again. Dad, listen,
1721
you know,
Greg has no skeletons. Okay?
1722
Oh, really?
He does not.
1723
Do you know that?
Yes, I know that.
1724
Will you just--
I'm not a child.
1725
I see. She knows that.
1726
This wedding will happen.
1727
And the sooner
you accept that,
1728
the better it's going
to be for all of us.
1729
I can't talk to you.
1730
No.
Wait a second, sweetheart.
1731
And I'm not so sure Roz
is a yoga instructor, either.
1732
Jack, you promised
that you'd behave yourself.
1733
And what you said
to those people
1734
was really hurtful.
1735
I think you should go up there
and apologize.
1736
I'm not going to apologize
to them.
1737
Jack.
1738
A little birdie told me
1739
that somebody's going to
be a daddy.
1740
Mom!
1741
Sorry, honey,
but look at that face.
1742
How could I keep it a secret?
1743
He's so excited
about being a grandpa.
1744
What should he call me?
How about Poppy?
1745
You don't have
to have champagne, okay?
1746
Why?
Jack's really angry.
1747
I know he's mad,
1748
but he's also
a little meshuggenah.
1749
Come on, honey. How often do
we get to be grandparents?
1750
We're having a toast.
1751
Okay, fine,
but, Dad, this is a secret.
1752
We can't tell Jack
till after we are married.
1753
Why? We are honest people.
1754
No! I can't stand
this secrecy anymore. Why?
1755
Be quiet.
1756
Why should we diminish our joy
1757
just because they live
in denial?
1758
Seriously.
1759
I promised Pam, okay?
1760
She thinks it'll break
his heart if he finds out.
1761
I'm not gonna take a drink.
1762
Your father's right.
1763
This is the 21st century!
Married or not,
1764
there's no shame
in fatherhood!
1765
This is
the fruit of your loins.
1766
That is so beautiful.
1767
Say that to him again.
1768
This is the fruit of your loins!
1769
This is
the fruit of your loins!
1770
Okay. Let's toast
and let's make a sandwich,
1771
and Mom wants
to be the cheese.
1772
Jack Byrnes,
what are you doing?
1773
What did you do?
1774
You okay there, Jacko?
1775
What's the matter
What happened?
1776
I was, uh, coming to apologize
1777
and my back went into spasm.
1778
It's very tender from that
horrific football accident.
1779
Yeah, I feel it.
1780
My God, you're knotted
like a pretzel.
1781
You must be
in a lot of pain, huh?
1782
I don't mind pain.
I learn from pain.
1783
Pain-shmain.
My fingers are magic.
1784
Come on,
let me work out the kinks.
1785
Oh. That's a
lovely offer, Jack.
1786
Uh, no, thanks. I'll be fine.
1787
My wife does
wonderful bodywork, Jack.
1788
I don't think he needs it.
1789
Okay, handsome, shirt off.
1790
I'd rather have it on,
thank you.
1791
Oh, no dice.
1792
No, no, no.
It has to come off.
1793
Ah, lovely.
1794
You know,
1795
most back pain
is psychological.
1796
We carry our
emotional baggage
1797
right here in our muscles.
1798
I've been watching you, Jack.
1799
Studying your body language.
1800
And you're a very sensual man. |
|